You are not the one which I ever desire,
You are the one which I never imagined.
You are not the one who quenched the thirst
You are the one who put me in the search.
You are not the one who let me live,
You are the one who to teach me to die.
You are the dream, the celebration of moments,
You are not the one who sustain for long.
You are the one whose memoirs are pearls of my tears
you are never the breeze, never a song.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Rain: the first memory
It used to be the morning. The mornings sound different. Sky is dark, and even a weekday seems to be static summer holiday. I turn and twist in the bed. Some minutes pass, in sleep, in dream. And, then I listen to the sound, ssss, ssssssss, tipppp, dhassss, all sorts of frictions, hits and touches are included in the sound. Its rain.
I go to the door. I feel invisible drops touching me. a opaque curtain of rain is covering the view. A hard, dry concrete spread all over the city looks little mystic, little painful in this rain. And, I realize even this city, which I hate most of the time for being to heartless and unromantic, seems beautiful in the rain.
I look as away as I can. I see lonely green trees, drenched in this shower. Their dark leafy appearance has new wet look. Birds caught in the rain, birds waiting at dry corners and birds daring to fly in showers. I see road, now seem as polished mahogany furniture.
Vehicles pass, conscious about applying gentle breaks and children roaming as if they are the only well-wisher of rain. People wait to have a break in rain so that they can continue their activities, yet they are those who in the morning read about rain and discuss too. It is always a double game.
I play ‘Sahela re’. song says, ‘hey friend, come, let’s sing. This is been song which we are singing for life, and will sing for lives to come.’ This is song in Bhop raag. Who cares!
A cigarette! As nicotine travels through the veins, words float in head. Hands feel restless, to make them alive on paper. I reject. I just feel my words getting wet in the morning rain, cleaned for whatever jumble of meanings they have and disappearing in the earth that calmly accept her love, rain.
I leave, rain too stops. Clouds walk away, as if they were never supposed to be here. And, everything goes on…
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Evening Poems
(these are not my words. this are shadows from 'GRACE'.)
Here, dear, here,
In this evening light which makes these woods disconsolate,
I sing hymns of divine condolence.
Flowers of final sunrays are engulfed
In the vagrant waves of sea…
Where they go?
Where?
Here, dear, here,
In this evening light which makes these woods disconsolate,
I sing hymns of divine condolence.
Flowers of final sunrays are engulfed
In the vagrant waves of sea…
Where they go?
Where?
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Epileptic seizure
But doctor tell me what was it? He kept asking this repeatedly. At last doctor said, “You had epileptic seizure.” He could not believe in what he heard. He had just fainted by acute pains he had when nurse removed vein flow. “But I had such experiences before. I lied down for half an hour, ate something and everything was fine. I didn’t even chew my tongue, cried, or yelled. Why are you naming it seizure and extending my hospitalization?” his questions were filled completely by surprise and frustration he is feeling right at this moment.
“ It would have been severe is you would have bitten your tongue. Seizures can be of various types. You had one and as you are telling you had few before.” Doctor calmly replied, with added determination to avoid this patient.
He thought of his childhood and youth, which were constrained by his weak body. Since last few days, he was feeling that he has passed those limits and he is really living. He cannot imagine next every day, moment of his life shaded by uncertainty of being weak, being dependent. He sighed and tears almost rolled down his eyes. It seems that he is like a helpless small tree in the road, waiting to die by a storm.
“but why you are so dull? You have to take medicines and rest. You will be fine” Doctor tried to bring him in good spirits.
“Huh, what is use of such life, doctor? I am always shaded by one or another fear. I hate such life.”
Doctor knew him for last 10 years. They know it is difficult to console him by any argument. He thought of tried something else.
“You must be thinking that how can you have epilepsy at this age and not since childhood. However, it can happen. I had my first seizure a month back, in this cabin. But I am fine now. You can be same. Come on! It is not the end.”
His face lit. He left room with hope to have bright tomorrow.
Doctor sat on the chair and sighed. Suddenly he thought about lie he had just used. He felt a tension in his legs. He stretched his legs or did they get stretched itself. He felt something revolving around or inside his head. He is viewing so many images and listening to so many voices in his head. He is just forgetting where he is, what is the time and what is happening with him. Sweat covered his face and a light kept appearing in front of his closed eyes…what is it?
“ It would have been severe is you would have bitten your tongue. Seizures can be of various types. You had one and as you are telling you had few before.” Doctor calmly replied, with added determination to avoid this patient.
He thought of his childhood and youth, which were constrained by his weak body. Since last few days, he was feeling that he has passed those limits and he is really living. He cannot imagine next every day, moment of his life shaded by uncertainty of being weak, being dependent. He sighed and tears almost rolled down his eyes. It seems that he is like a helpless small tree in the road, waiting to die by a storm.
“but why you are so dull? You have to take medicines and rest. You will be fine” Doctor tried to bring him in good spirits.
“Huh, what is use of such life, doctor? I am always shaded by one or another fear. I hate such life.”
Doctor knew him for last 10 years. They know it is difficult to console him by any argument. He thought of tried something else.
“You must be thinking that how can you have epilepsy at this age and not since childhood. However, it can happen. I had my first seizure a month back, in this cabin. But I am fine now. You can be same. Come on! It is not the end.”
His face lit. He left room with hope to have bright tomorrow.
Doctor sat on the chair and sighed. Suddenly he thought about lie he had just used. He felt a tension in his legs. He stretched his legs or did they get stretched itself. He felt something revolving around or inside his head. He is viewing so many images and listening to so many voices in his head. He is just forgetting where he is, what is the time and what is happening with him. Sweat covered his face and a light kept appearing in front of his closed eyes…what is it?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
night among stars
when you sleep with your back to cold, pleasant earth and your eyes fixed somewhere among the stars, you know that either you are feeling happy without any bound or you are out of yourself.
still you sleep like that. because you want to be so unknown to you, that even you won't be able to identify yourself. such un-identity is difficult. and that's why one sleeps under the stary sky with cool wind around and memories, imaginations storming in the head and some unknown pressure mounting on you, trying to crash you down.
but then why you sleep watching stars? one can sleep putting his head under the pillow. one can get drunk or one can let loose oneself with someone dear. no! one doesn't do these things when one doesn't even know what is it. there is nothing to tell, nothing to hide, nothing to repent and even nothing to ask for. what is it!
may be it is space and time around yourself which is not yours. and, hence one has to look into stars. they are there. some are at one place for ages. some are moving slowly. some are not even known. some are frequent visitors. and, they too don't have time space of themselves.
what you do when you feel like part of big giant machine, following it's laws without any attention to small lives which don't want to be ruled? what you feel when you see your actions are unwanted, meaningless or responseless in the environment? what if you feel that you are just product of actions and decisions taken in your absence?
you do nothing! because you can not. you go. you try all your means to console yourself, you try to erect yourself, you try to fight, you try to feel totally devastated, and nothing works. some sparks of life remaining can't let you die, they can't let you give up. so you do nothing but you sleep with your back to cold, pleasant earth and your eyes fixed somewhere among the stars.
still you sleep like that. because you want to be so unknown to you, that even you won't be able to identify yourself. such un-identity is difficult. and that's why one sleeps under the stary sky with cool wind around and memories, imaginations storming in the head and some unknown pressure mounting on you, trying to crash you down.
but then why you sleep watching stars? one can sleep putting his head under the pillow. one can get drunk or one can let loose oneself with someone dear. no! one doesn't do these things when one doesn't even know what is it. there is nothing to tell, nothing to hide, nothing to repent and even nothing to ask for. what is it!
may be it is space and time around yourself which is not yours. and, hence one has to look into stars. they are there. some are at one place for ages. some are moving slowly. some are not even known. some are frequent visitors. and, they too don't have time space of themselves.
what you do when you feel like part of big giant machine, following it's laws without any attention to small lives which don't want to be ruled? what you feel when you see your actions are unwanted, meaningless or responseless in the environment? what if you feel that you are just product of actions and decisions taken in your absence?
you do nothing! because you can not. you go. you try all your means to console yourself, you try to erect yourself, you try to fight, you try to feel totally devastated, and nothing works. some sparks of life remaining can't let you die, they can't let you give up. so you do nothing but you sleep with your back to cold, pleasant earth and your eyes fixed somewhere among the stars.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Company
he was astonished to see what he has to walk in next few days. though he had enough harsh life before, he felt this might be last and first task which he wouldn't be able to complete. he waited, not under any shade because there was nothing. he tried to see as long as he can. some mirages flashed in front of his eyes, but till wherever he sees, it was endless desert. he has map, he has food, he knows where he can get water. still one dark, deep and dull feeling of hopelessness filled him. he closed his eyes, heard his deep breath until he heard something different than wind blowing and his breaths.
he saw another traveler. he or she? it was she. she was waring blue clothes, right from her head to toes. only life which was revealed was her eyes, fathomless. she asked, "should we start walking?" he responded with a brief grim and somehow started walking.
they were walking for last many days. they walk together, eat together, sit at each others side. talk about what life they had and their perceptions for life. at some nights, when moon was at it's best magic and chilling wind made them impossible to forget rhythms of their bodies, they searched themselves through each other. she was traveling to meet someone in the city which was at the other end of desert. he had forgotten hollow feelings he had at the start of the journey. he has put dreams in place of understanding. he has started painting images with words and illusions. desert often has such effect.
one day, both of them saw buildings of city where they were heading. this was going to be last walk of the journey. he has written a letter for her. they kept walking. last walks are bound to be nostalgic. her voice trembled. sometimes her fingers caught hold of her hand, as if she is never going to leave it. he recalled all those evenings and nights, laughs and silences, responses and quarrels. they reached from where they have to move on their own path.
and, now he looked at her. he was shocked. her eyes were exactly as they were when he first saw her. she cleared some sand on her clothes. he felt like one of those sand particles. she has removed desert, sand and him, within that moment. he was amazed and yet, he felt, this has to be like this.
they wished best life ahead to each other. they started walking on thier paths, now alone. he looked back. she wasn't anywhere in the sight. he looked back to desert. the point where he started was long back as if it was not there.
he saw another traveler. he or she? it was she. she was waring blue clothes, right from her head to toes. only life which was revealed was her eyes, fathomless. she asked, "should we start walking?" he responded with a brief grim and somehow started walking.
they were walking for last many days. they walk together, eat together, sit at each others side. talk about what life they had and their perceptions for life. at some nights, when moon was at it's best magic and chilling wind made them impossible to forget rhythms of their bodies, they searched themselves through each other. she was traveling to meet someone in the city which was at the other end of desert. he had forgotten hollow feelings he had at the start of the journey. he has put dreams in place of understanding. he has started painting images with words and illusions. desert often has such effect.
one day, both of them saw buildings of city where they were heading. this was going to be last walk of the journey. he has written a letter for her. they kept walking. last walks are bound to be nostalgic. her voice trembled. sometimes her fingers caught hold of her hand, as if she is never going to leave it. he recalled all those evenings and nights, laughs and silences, responses and quarrels. they reached from where they have to move on their own path.
and, now he looked at her. he was shocked. her eyes were exactly as they were when he first saw her. she cleared some sand on her clothes. he felt like one of those sand particles. she has removed desert, sand and him, within that moment. he was amazed and yet, he felt, this has to be like this.
they wished best life ahead to each other. they started walking on thier paths, now alone. he looked back. she wasn't anywhere in the sight. he looked back to desert. the point where he started was long back as if it was not there.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Walk in the morning , sleep in the eyes
The whole reason to keep myself wake up through out the night is friend going to home for week long holidays. It started with foul try to have few hours sleep in the account. Desire to talk as much as I can before friend leaves and similar condition at other end scattered all plans to sleep on time and wake up early. So it was long talk, some irrational silences and then brief walks. Soon both realized that words and phrases, proverbs and quotes are not going to fill up vacuum of life. But, somehow, conversation ended on some optimistic note and ended with ‘to be continued’..
Then within hour I, my friend and one other friend took auto to reach domestic airport. It is 4.15 A.M. rickshaw driver was ready and quick as he has realized potential night charge augmented large fair. So in 20 minutes, we reached airport. I was first time at airport. And thoughts occurring in my mind were of socialist shade. I felt all those illuminated structures, well planned buildings as some unnecessary obstacles in peace that city needs urgently. Around airport, even at this time, was rush of vehicles, travelers, cab and rickshaw drivers. I bid good bye to my friends and started walking back to my place. I was wondering on how easily my friends have paid rickshaw fair( RS.120). so watching all the vibrancy around me, I took my road back. The last sign I remember was vehicles full of on average fat people, eager to reach their destinations and blue collar airport workers( one of them asked me for tea shop, old one, who should have retired by now).
I had money in pocket. I could have caught rickshaw. My legs were not so fresh. Not even I had minute of sleep in the night. I was feeling hunger. Still, I waited near airport( apparently for bus, but it was wrong time to wait for bus, scarce commodity at 5A.M.). then I found one sign board indication nearest railway station. I started walking to this new contemporary destination. On both sides of the road, I noticed large number of ATM centers. And as a byproduct of heavy transactions made in these centers, remaining part of street was filled with shops and clinics. I had enlightenment that all these envy feelings I was having for people who can spend money fluently was outcome of me being poor. Eureka! Eureka!!
Street was not lonely. Paper boys, morning walkers and rickshaw drivers were part of street life at that time. I passed through them. I climbed up Station Bridge and while getting in the train, I had realization of being ticket less. Next surprise was I was not panic at all. I sat coldly, started enjoying morning breeze (enough chill, even in March), put earphones and started playing FM radio. It was local FM channel and it had some spiritual songs. (I listened as I was listening anything in my mothertounge after many days) like spiritual things are, it was about how one should live life and how this life is worthless compare to how divine it can be. So I forgot my worthless worry of being ticket less in some spirituality.
Got down at home station. No bus waiting for me. so started my march. (by this time, these words had started their life). I walked watching people, sleeping buildings and yawning homes. I walked half the road. I was tired now. Acidity and hunger both striking inside. Yet, I had energy to think and to write. Some nice songs were played by FM channel. Meaning in those songs were simple, but it matched with my mood, my walk and my view.
My friend had checked in, sat in the plane and will fly soon. A sms with some probable future behavior alerted me on my phone. I am not in anything now. Morning has made me light and yet, I am not floating. Thoughts are keeping me tangent to mother earth, or normal.
I could have caught rickshaw and reached my place without anything of these. Then I would’t have played simulation of future career best performance in my head. Nor I had proved my pro-poor life theory once again.
But I watched people. People traveling in cool cabs and ac cars, boys on bicycle to distribute newspapers an milk bags, rickshaw and taxi drivers, office folk. I watched people paying hundreds and thousands easily and I watched people walking kilometers as they had nothing in pocket. What does all this mean? A mere pleasure game of thoughts, some spark of action leading to ultimate frustration or just an observation? I hand over my questions to you and go for some sleep. I have to walk again….
Then within hour I, my friend and one other friend took auto to reach domestic airport. It is 4.15 A.M. rickshaw driver was ready and quick as he has realized potential night charge augmented large fair. So in 20 minutes, we reached airport. I was first time at airport. And thoughts occurring in my mind were of socialist shade. I felt all those illuminated structures, well planned buildings as some unnecessary obstacles in peace that city needs urgently. Around airport, even at this time, was rush of vehicles, travelers, cab and rickshaw drivers. I bid good bye to my friends and started walking back to my place. I was wondering on how easily my friends have paid rickshaw fair( RS.120). so watching all the vibrancy around me, I took my road back. The last sign I remember was vehicles full of on average fat people, eager to reach their destinations and blue collar airport workers( one of them asked me for tea shop, old one, who should have retired by now).
I had money in pocket. I could have caught rickshaw. My legs were not so fresh. Not even I had minute of sleep in the night. I was feeling hunger. Still, I waited near airport( apparently for bus, but it was wrong time to wait for bus, scarce commodity at 5A.M.). then I found one sign board indication nearest railway station. I started walking to this new contemporary destination. On both sides of the road, I noticed large number of ATM centers. And as a byproduct of heavy transactions made in these centers, remaining part of street was filled with shops and clinics. I had enlightenment that all these envy feelings I was having for people who can spend money fluently was outcome of me being poor. Eureka! Eureka!!
Street was not lonely. Paper boys, morning walkers and rickshaw drivers were part of street life at that time. I passed through them. I climbed up Station Bridge and while getting in the train, I had realization of being ticket less. Next surprise was I was not panic at all. I sat coldly, started enjoying morning breeze (enough chill, even in March), put earphones and started playing FM radio. It was local FM channel and it had some spiritual songs. (I listened as I was listening anything in my mothertounge after many days) like spiritual things are, it was about how one should live life and how this life is worthless compare to how divine it can be. So I forgot my worthless worry of being ticket less in some spirituality.
Got down at home station. No bus waiting for me. so started my march. (by this time, these words had started their life). I walked watching people, sleeping buildings and yawning homes. I walked half the road. I was tired now. Acidity and hunger both striking inside. Yet, I had energy to think and to write. Some nice songs were played by FM channel. Meaning in those songs were simple, but it matched with my mood, my walk and my view.
My friend had checked in, sat in the plane and will fly soon. A sms with some probable future behavior alerted me on my phone. I am not in anything now. Morning has made me light and yet, I am not floating. Thoughts are keeping me tangent to mother earth, or normal.
I could have caught rickshaw and reached my place without anything of these. Then I would’t have played simulation of future career best performance in my head. Nor I had proved my pro-poor life theory once again.
But I watched people. People traveling in cool cabs and ac cars, boys on bicycle to distribute newspapers an milk bags, rickshaw and taxi drivers, office folk. I watched people paying hundreds and thousands easily and I watched people walking kilometers as they had nothing in pocket. What does all this mean? A mere pleasure game of thoughts, some spark of action leading to ultimate frustration or just an observation? I hand over my questions to you and go for some sleep. I have to walk again….
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